Top 50 The Simpsons Quotes

Happy Birthday, Matt Groening!

We’re suckers for a little TV, and The Simpsons is one of Quotables’ most quoted shows. We’re celebrating the birthday of this (disappointingly not-yellow) man with our Top 50 quotes from The Simpsons. Enjoy!

Top Quotes from The Simpsons

Matt Groening

1. All my friends say I should leave him because he’s mean, angry, and abusive. I need to get some new friends.
— Matt Groening

2. Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
— Matt Groening

3. Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
— Matt Groening

Homer Simpson

4. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
— Homer Simpson

5. Three little sentences will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss. Number three: It was like that when I got here.
— Homer Simpson

6.Do I know what rhetorical means?
— Homer Simpson

7. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
— Homer Simpson

8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
— Homer Simpson

9. English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
— Homer Simpson

10. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
— Homer Simpson

11. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
— Homer Simpson

12. Just pick a dead end and chill out ’till you die.
— Homer Simpson

13. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
— Homer Simpson

14. Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
— Homer Simpson

15. I won’t apologize, Lisa. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way that I am.
— Homer Simpson

16. For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin… then the sweet, sweet innards…
— Homer Simpson

17. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
— Homer Simpson

18. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um… [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you’d step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
— Homer Simpson

19. And lord, we’re especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we’d like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family’s experienced. Well, not today, you saw what happened! Oh Lord, be honest, are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what?
— Homer Simpson

20. Homer: Listen to me, Mr Bigshot! If you’re looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself, I’m your man! You can treat me like dirt and I’ll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream. And if you don’t like it, I can change!Mr Burns: I like your attitude – feisty yet spineless! Welcome aboard son!
— Jeff Martin

21. Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
— Homer Simpson

22. Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says [sniff sniff] “Farewell” and [sniff sniff] “Best Wishes”!
Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.
Bart: Oh, that’s nothing. He can hear pudding.
— Homer Simpson

Marge Simpson

23. I’m just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
— Marge Simpson

24. This was such a pleasant St. Patrick’s Day until Irish people showed up.
— Marge Simpson

Bart Simpson

25. Who’d want to hurt me? I’m this century’s Dennis The Menace.
— Bart Simpson

26. Mom, I’m going to give you life the way I imagine you gave me life…by pressing Alt+F5 repeatedly.
— Bart Simpson

27. Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You’re the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!
Homer: Well, now that you’re a little bit older, I can tell you that’s a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.
Bart: Gotcha. Can’t win, don’t try.
— Bart Simpson

Lisa Simpson

28. Romance is dead – it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
— Lisa Simpson

29. Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea Captain: Now who’s being naive?
— Lisa Simpson

Grampa Simpson

30. Bart Simpson: Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured ’cause the Democrats were in power again.
— Grampa Simpson

31.It was your mother’s job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.
— Grampa Simpson

Mr Burns

32. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
— Mr Burns

33. Damn that Pennybags. Between him and Scrooge McDuck all the best ankle is taken.
— Mr. Burns

Ralph Wiggum

34. Me fail english? That’s unpossible.
— Ralph Wiggum

35. That’s where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things!
— Ralph Wiggum

36. I choo-choo-choose you!
— Ralph Wiggum

Groundskeeper Willie

37. There is nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
— Groundskeeper Willie

38. This isn’t a skirt! It’s a kilt! And I’m not a girl!
— Groundskeeper Willie

Nelson Munz

39. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
— Nelson Munz

40. People, people, let’s not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse’s fault.
— Nelson Munz

Sideshow Bob

41. You need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king.
— Sideshow Bob

42. It’s high time people realized we conservatives aren’t all Johnny Hatemongers, Charlie Bible Thumps, or even – God forbid – George Bushes.
— Sideshow Bob

Principal Skinner

43. Ah, “Diorama-Rama”, my favorite school event next to “Hearing-Test Thursday.”
— Principal Skinner

44. Attention: all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
— Principal Skinner

Jasper

45. Moon Pie! What a time to be alive!
— Jasper

Krusty the Clown

46. Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I’ll send you $40! [holds up check]
Voice-over: Checks will not be honored.
— Krusty

47. That’s it, no more autographs. I gotta go. They’re naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.
— Krusty

Moe

48. See? You’re a pig. Barney’s a pig. Larry’s a pig. We’re all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.
— Moe

Barney Gumble

49. Barney: My name’s Barney, and I’m an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can’t admit you have a problem?
— Barney Gumble

Smithers

50. Smithers: So, Mr. Burns can now do all his work for himself, but I will wager you dollars to donuts he can’t handle a call from his mother!
Homer: Mister Burns’ mother is still alive?
Smithers: They haven’t spoken in 50 years. He never forgave her for that affair with President Taft!
Homer: Taft, you old dog!
— Smithers

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